i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she peed on how many people?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
