Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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