dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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