I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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