The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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