Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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