I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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