I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
