Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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