No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
