Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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