My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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