I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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