Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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