At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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