Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
