My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
