You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize