Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
