i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize