Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
