when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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