okay pat passed out under dana's car
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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