Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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