My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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