jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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