So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
