ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
