you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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