my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
