I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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