i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
