I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
