You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
