we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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