I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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