my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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