haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just high enough for therapy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
