Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
