Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
