just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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