Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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