Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
