I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
