Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
