and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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