FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
