did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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