i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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