I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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