on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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