a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
