he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I could fuck to npr.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
