Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Even my vagina gasped.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
