you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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