I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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