I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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