please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
