Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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